Friday Humor: Tech’s John Kirk Ventures Into Android Darkness

I write a lot. It’s not often I name anyone other than your’s truly as any kind of super-duper author, but fair is fair. Tech.pinions’ John Kirk is a bo·na fide genius and my new tech fearless leader. If saying what a million people think and backing it up with proof is worth a plug nickel, this guys deserves a Pulitzer. Here’s why.

iOS' profit share is what matters

iOS’ profit share is what matters

Google has so many suck-ups running around currying favor behind them… Okay, let me skip the rant on blind followings here. The tech press has been looking for something wondrous to report all along, in the absence of any rocket science innovation, what’s the party all about? Google versus Apple, etc., etc., etc. If the Internet were a video game (heck did I discover something?) Google versus Microsoft or Apple is where you’d find game cheats in the news. And the gamers out there in blog and newspaper land are dying for Android to kick some iOS butt. BUTT (sp) the reason John Kirk may as well be the Man of Steel is the opposing view – Achilles incarnate against the “myth” of market share.

If Starfleet has a market share

If Starfleet has a market share

This post entitled “Android’s Market Share Is Literally A Joke” made me LMMFAO. Kirk, so skillfully, uses metaphor and down home farm boy synergy to smack the would be Google butt kisser upside the head. For those of you out there enamored like silly school children with everything they do over there in Mountain view, read the smart talk from Kirk, and I quote:

Quiz #2: Market Share or Profit Share

Question: Company A has 25% market share and 75% profit share. Company Z has 75% market share and 25% profit share. Which company is doing better?

Answer: If you said anything other than company A, then you are dumber than a doorknob. Any intelligent person would take company A’s profit share over that of company Z’s market share.

I have to say, when I read the “dumber than a doorknob” everyone in our offices figured I had finally lost it. LOL ten times. “GOD I wish I had said that.” Even so, Kirk does a splendid job of squirting some reality onto the feverish heads of the dumbstruck out there. If Apple and iOS have a mobile competitor at all it’s Samsung, Android and all others simply don’t make the revenue – market share be doggone. The chart below Kirk borrows from Benedict Evans reveals some of the real story.

Benedict Evans

Kirk cites a dozen articles on high profile tech blogs and papers heralding Android’s version of the Persian Empire’s conquests. Unfortunately, iOS is akin to the 300 Spartans when it comes to being profit warriors. In the end, Google and Android appear to be playing a zero sum or even “red ink” game comparatively. I also find it hilarious that Business Insider wants to charge me for what they call BI Intelligence, when foaming at the mouth over Android would appear to be contradictory to any smartness.

Finally, John Kirk may as well be Captain James T. Kirk in the blockbuster Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. I’ll never forget the audience response when Kirk is supposedly trapped inside the Genesis planet, in whimsical style Kirk remarks on being found on top of his game; “I don’t like to lose.” Bravo, the whole audience breathed a sigh of approval there. And so it is with our new superhero, John Kirk as he sets his phaser on “STUN” and gives a jolt to TechCrunch’s Matt Burns. The TC author must have those “round, round, spiral eyeballs with a big G in the middle, I quote:

“…There is no denying Android’s dominance anymore. There is no way even the most rabid Apple fanboy can deny that iOS is in second place now. Android is winning…”

“Oh really?”, I hear Kirk exclaim.

This Star Trek montage is dedicated to you Mr. Kirk.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *